September is here…that means get out and start buying clothes you don’t need so Suzie and Howard don’t talk about how pover you look behind you’re back when you’re waiting in the lunch line to get your cajun chicken ranch wrap. Homecoming game and dance are both opportunities you’ll have to show all the members of the opposite sex how mature you got over the summer at sleep away camp (ie to show them you’re tits/bulge, hence the invention of skinny jeans and halter tops) but make sure to tell them to look and not touch (except when grinding) because “you have a girlfriend” who goes to another school and totally exists. I’m serious, she really does, I went over to her house for dumplings last Thursday, her name? I don’t know, Amander or some shit. But who knows, maybe you’ll cheat on her by the end of September at that bonfire you’ve been totally phsyched about with the hottest freshman in school, read: jon benet ramsey impersonator, no seriously dude, she’s so hot.

But to make all these dreams come true, you’ll need some fresh kicks and to wear what all the kids are wearing. Here are some directions you could go in. 

Look #1: Ghey.

I know what you’re thinking, gheys were so 2006, but hear me out. Ladies Love gay guys, it’s a well known jungle fact that in every lioness pride there is one flamer who all the girls tell all their secrets to, have pillow fights with, go lingerie shopping with. You know that guy who lived in the tri-delt house last year? Gay. Just think of all the sorority titties he got to see on a regular basis. Just think of all the titties you coud see/feel/motorboat if you pretended to be gay. Actually, science has proven that 40% of all the guys reporting to be a gay were actually straight guys trying to get ass. Remember when Isaac Mizrahi touched Scarlet’s boob?

That could be you. 

Look #2: Dress like a Jonas Brother. 

If you’re trying to nail a tween in the ass, you’re best bet is to dress like a jonas brother or some high school musical dick, take her to friendly’s and tell her how beautiful she looks over her sundae, and then tell her that you don’t believe in sex before marriage but that anal would be a good way to experiment and doesn’t really count as sex. Bill Clinton will back you up. So…

Dress like this….

To get this….

Just make sure you look out for this….

Look #3: Guido. 

Everyone knows that guido girls aren’t hot, but they are sluts. and nothing turns a girl named Tonya on faster that a fake tan, rhinestones, and spiked hair. Might as well be a bullseye…

Good luck shopping, don’t forget the roofies and the grey goose. Ya Boi!!!