While most of the world turns their attention to the apocalypse of 2012, stocking up on spam via Y2K (miss you), I would like to point out another event predicted by our bro Nostradamus: the hipster massacre of 2009.
If you’re wearing plaid, you might want to sit down for this. These are the words of Nostradamus himself, quatraine 4362:
The present time together with the past
will be judged by the great scholars [translated: hipsters]
the world too late will be tired of them
and the streets will run red with their blood,
ray bans, plaid shirts, snarky attitudes
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Scary. What will occur after the hipsters are massacred, who will rise in their void, who will rise to prominence, will blipsters also be killed, who is John Galt Kanye West? Modern scholars are still trying to answer these questions as D-day looms. Many say that prepsters will rise in the void left by the hipsters while others say that tweens will finally take over as Miley has been instructing them to secretly on her records (play “party in the usa” backwards and hear “the satanic verses” instructing suburban teens on how to make jihad).
Even more frightening is the prospect that the Von Dutch/Ed Hardy “big fucking douchebags” will be able to propagate the wake left by the hipsters, leaving many scholars to speculate that the person who will be behind the massacre is actually Ashton Kutcher whose plan is to lure hipsters out of brooklyn and into gas chambers by tricking them into thinking they’re being punked…
Demi Moore, Bruce, it’s all starting to make sense……
After the plot is discovered, the allies will of course destroy kutcher although the damage will have already been done, leading to the great hispter diaspora of 2010, as hipsters will need to look for new homes in Hoboken and Mount Rose NJ, Rochester MN, Fort Worth, Omaha, Crawford TX, Tiajuana, Ethiopia, and of course Grozny, Chechnya, where a zionist campaign will be started as this is considered to be where the first hipster was born, the rallying slogan of course being “Vladimir Putin doesn’t care about hipsters.”
