Last-Minute Halloween Costume Planning Suggestions from FOX NEWS

The following last-minute Halloween-costume how-to guide legitimately comes from FOX NEWS.

Read the full article here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,225758,00.html

8 Killer Do-It-Yourself Last-Minute Halloween Costumes

“Maybe you’re a Halloween humbug. Maybe you didn’t feel like shelling out a ton of dough for a costume this year. Or maybe you’re just plain lazy.

Now you have only a day or two to get something together before heading out for this weekend’s Fright Night fiestas.

Never fear … FOXNews.com is here to cover your lousy, cheapskate, procrastinating back.

(did they really just use “never fear” and “foxnews.com” in the same sentence? and did FOX NEWS just call me lousy/a cheapskate??)

Instead of trotting out one of the tired-old All Hallows Eveningwear standbys, like the omnipresent nerd, hippy, hobo or pimp, here are eight costumes you can throw together from the odds and ends lying around your house, or by spending just a few dollars at the corner store.

But before you dive in, take a moment to read the five cardinal rules of picking a Halloween costume. Don’t say we didn’t warn you…

The Five Rules

1) Abstract Is for Paintings

Your costume should be easily identifiable. Your devastating rendition of “Global Warming,” “Carter Administration Secretary of Transportation Brock Adams” or “Symptoms of America’s Moral Decline” aren’t half as clever as you think they are. Don’t overthink it; nobody should have to ask you what your costume is.

(Because god forbid Fox News encourage Americans to do any intellectual thinking or be culturally relevant whatsoever)

2) Pockets, Zippers and Other Modern Conveniences

When you’re throwing a costume together in 15 minutes, it’s easy to forget the amenities built into our everyday clothing. Many a mummy has suited up only to realize there was a reason the Egyptians drained their bodily fluids into urns. Remember, ghosts can walk through walls, but people dressed as ghosts can end up holding their car keys all night. Plan ahead.

(But don’t apply the following suggestions to wars, the economy, the environment, etc.)

3) Sarcasm Is the Lowest Form of Wit (COUGH you are FOX NEWS… really??? COUGH)

Hanging a horseshoe around your neck and telling everybody that you’re a “Chick Magnet” wasn’t funny in 1972 and it’s not funny today. Don’t get us wrong, funny costumes are great, but leave the corny punchlines to Carrot Top and let your costume speak for itself.

4) Duct Tape Has 4,748,901 Uses (and Counting)

If your costume breaks in the field, duct tape can fix it. Wrap a couple of feet around a small pencil and slip it into your pocket (see rule No. 2). You will be glad you did.

5) Day of the Dead Decorum

If you wouldn’t want your mother or boss to see a picture of you in your costume, you probably shouldn’t wear it at all. Even though Halloween is a time for make-believe, real feelings can still get hurt. Dressing as a Nazi, Klansman, terrorist or pedophile priest is ill-advised at best. At worst, you could wake up in the ER.”

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We apologize that this exists. Truly.