“What will the Nigerians come up with next? First Umar Abdulmutallab’s father sends us emails for 10 years trying to get is to help him with the banking business and now he tries to blow up our planes….We say throw the book at the terrorist. His father, in between soliciting us with spam (a form of terrorism in its own right), raised a son who thinks its all right to blow up decent Americans”- what passes for news in Colorado.

I don’t know what to be more mad about, the Nigerian prince hitting me up for money or the son trying to blow me up when i’m enjoying a delicious coke, cran-apple, sprite, seltzer, diet coke, tea, coffee, straight vodka en route to Detroit. It’s like, on the one hand that’s my life brah but on the other hand DONT MESS WITH MY INBOX BRO. Both of these bros seem pretty confused, nothing a lil’ asher roth couldn’t handle, but still, my inbox? Dude? my Inbox?

There’s just one thing about this news story that doesn’t make sense, that the plane was en route to Detroit (?), DETROIT? LIKE 8 MILE DETROIT? LIKE MOTHER FUCKING DETROIT, THE LAND OF A THOUSAND TRIBES ORGANIZED BY WHAT PART OF THE ASSEMBLY LINE ONE USED TO WORK ON WHILE THE AMERICAN CAR INDUSTRY WAS STILL PROFITABLE DETROIT? LIKE THE DETROIT INHABITED BY GROUPS OF PRIMAL HUMANS THAT SCAVENGE FOR FOOD AND FEAST OFF THE ROTTING CORPSES OF THEIR RIVALS, MARK THEIR TERRITORIES IN THE DEBILITATED GM FACTORY, FILMED FOR MICHAEL MOORE’S LATEST DOCUMENTARY DETROIT?

[actual image of detroit, and no, this wasn’t the one hit by tropical storm katrina]

Honestly, these people were going to Detroit, they knew what they were getting themselves into…death. But still, let’s say you hate the U.S… Wanna hit em where it hurts, so you target Detroit???   Will Hamas start sending over rockets from Canada into Milwaukee next?  Is Cheyanne in danger?  How can we improve security in Billings?  Is Jihad going to reach Oxnard?

I’m all about spinning things positively so I think that terrorism and American capitalism can be reconciled. Terrorists can blow up blighted poverty stricken neighborhoods showing they hate the US and US builders can build luxury condominiums on the ashes. It’s like gentrification only faster and so the previous neighborhood is virtuously unrecognizable. It will be like rich white people always lived in Watts/Bronx/Arkansas.

In the future, Gentrification = Terrorism, in a good way.