Still pissed that despite your father donating the new dorm on the south lawn and your published prose poem “Confessions of a Broken Heart” (coincidentally your lookbook title), YALE still had the nerve to waitlist you? Sick of all your parents’ friends calling you a “fucking dead beat” bc you don’t go to P-ton

Are you the only one who understands that the IVY LEAGUE is just a branding scheme that lets 7 schools charge exorbitant prices for an education that results in no practical skills? Well get ready bc “old school prestige” will soon make way for “new school marketing”….soon college hopefuls will choose school based on how convincing/flashy/heartfelt universities’ 30 ads are.

Soon everything will be virtual [see the first online Museum…us] including universities. That’s the trend Cornellians, don’t shoot the messenger. 

Introducing the soon to be most competitive schools in the nation….THE CYBER LEAGUE!

Kaplan will replace Harvard, Devry will replace Columbia, the University of Phoenix will replace UPenn….soon coeds will participate in pissing contests concerning how nice their dormrooms parents basements are, how available their professors are how much time their profs spend in chatrooms [just avoid the “to catch a predator” set], how fun the parties are how funny that viral video is, how their 2400 got them  into Harvard ITT tech. 

The ivy league will soon be a thing of the past and the CYBER league will rise from its ashes, much like a Pheonix….the University of Pheonix….