The Artifacts of Modernity Online Museum has been, for nearly a year now, providing social commentary on the daunting issues of modern culture and its implications on society for the entire world wide web to see and experience.

But starting today, we feel that it is important to go beyond our mere role of ‘cultural commentator’ and for the first time ever extend ourselves to those in need.  For too long we have sat by and watched as others faced dark, daunting and twisted scenarios that the bizarre-ness of the Modern Cultural Era had imposed upon them.  But no longer can we remain silent.  It’s time to start helping others and start giving back.

We begin today by helping a very loyal fan of the Museum, whatsername, as she faces one of the most bizarre scenarios of her newly-blossoming music career (but actually).

whatsername explains:

this is not a joke. 

i am playing on the same bill as t-pain on saturday.

someone tell me how to feel about this.

(Whatsername’s real name is listed second-to-the-bottom on the right-hand side, just to give you some context.  To give you more context, Whatsername’s music style is cool/cute indie singer-songwriter pop… T-Pain’s is clearly not.)

And so, the Curators of the Museum are here to tell her, and everyone else, how to feel about this:

1. You, whatsername, should feel glorified.  The Auto-tune Gods are clearly on your side and want you to share in their T-Pain-filled spotlight.  The Billboard-charts Yahweh has opened his arms wide for you to step inside and receive a nice pat on the back for the work you’ve done so far to reach this day.  The Top-40 Heavens will be accidentally shining light on you, so let yourself bask in its humid and smelly glow.

2. You, whatsername, should feel perturbed and slightly angered.  The fact that your musical talent is being written in small letters at the bottom of a flyer that spells “T-Pain” in white caps size (at least) 48 is fairly shameful.  The fact that the school you chose to attend endorses and supports this kind of mediocrity high above your giftedness is reason to be disturbed.  The fact that Mr. Pain will be receiving a very large sum of money for his involvement in this “Spr(u)ng Fling Concert” while you will probably be asked to help clean up Solo Cups from the Quad after the show is frustrating indeed.

However, ultimately, 3. You, whatsername, should be laughing hysterically and then shrugging your shoulders and smiling.  For in case you didn’t already realize that ‘major record label-driven music industry’ is a huge joke, you do now.  And at the end of the day, that shit’s hilarious.  And ultimately, who do you know reveres themselves to be a T-Pain fan?  Yes, his auto-tuned tracks might fill the radio-is-dying airwaves, get featured in crap blockbuster movies, and be adjustable on an iPhone/iPad App.  But does he have real legitimate authentic I-care-about-the-artist-as-a-person fans?  Pshhh. 

Ultimately, this is how the mainstream machine works.  This is how revenue-streams-based culture/art/music in 2010 works.  Be grateful that you A. aren’t part of it, and B. don’t have to scrutinize and dissect it for the Internet’s sake every single day (that’s where we come in).  So laugh at the silliness of it all, shrug off yet another cultural fallacy, and smile upon the fact that this retardedness is, in a big way, giving you the chance to get your talent-driven music out there this weekend.

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We hope you, whatsername, and the rest of the World Wide Web community, enjoyed this long but passionate column of sentiment and advice.  And we wish you, Natalie, a kick ass auto-tuned-or-not show this Saturday.

Shameless-promotional-plug-goes-here: And if you, Guest of the Museum, ever have a culture-ridden issue that you need the Museum’s opinion / advice on, simply ask us at ArtifactsofModernity.com/ask.