We all remember the lovely Elizabeth Smart, our fave Utah mormon 14 year old who’s kidnapping plagued the airwaves and news media for almost an entire year until the incredible spectacular Apple-unveils-a-new-iPhone-esque news broke that she had been found ALIVE and SAFE!
So since it’s clear that the last thing any of us would ever want is to be kidnapped, get to take a life vacation for around for 9 months, dress up in silly costumes and wigs all the time, have the spotlight on you, get instant fame, be found miraculously alive and safe after all, and then become a national hero (god forbid any of this happen to us), here are a few genius tips on how to not be the next kidnapping victim.
Death Panels, Funerals, Jonbenet Ramsey.
Despite major attempts to keep things quiet, word has finally gotten out about the Obama death panels. As it turns out, in the future government beaurocrats are going to decide whether one should live or die. Kind of like the “Terror” (see French Revolution) but more systematic, sterile, and rational. Like, “youre old- stop hogging all the medical care so empoverished children can have a slice o’ that Amerrrican pie.”
What a crazy idea…putting a price tag on a human life…it must be foreign….
Anyway, since death panels are the way of the future and OBVIOUSLY what that commie Obama is argueing for, I’ve been doing some end of life planning myself considering I’m not a highly productive member of society (ie not curing cancer and/or outsourcing labor jobs to sweatshop slaves…I mean highly valued associates of our corporate team [except if they unionize in which case release the dogs]). Basically I’m not bringing home much bacon for the motherland which means that i’m an ineffcient use of funds…four out of five doctors on a deathpanel would probably reccomend my death.
In light of that, my top choices for where I want my funeral.
#1: Staples Center
I feel like this would really help everyone grieve. The world could pay their respects for the deceased during a half hour long internationally televised special (sponser’s name here__________).
#2: Second choice, superbowl half time show.
I don’t want people to feel bad when I die, like dia de los muertos. Life is a party, death should be one too. The more drunk people at my funeral the better I’ll feel about life.
#3: In my own house but I want my death to be dragged out for as long as possible in the tabloids with the headlines growing more grotesque with each passing year.
But seriously guys, respect the dead…by making as much money off them as you can…
What have we learned? In this century death isn’t funny….it’s hilarious.
