We here at the Museum are happy to report that the day has finally come where two of our favorite memes come crashing into one beautiful tranny-ridden newspaper front cover:

“ART IS DEAD” meets “THE TRENTONIAN: The most scholarly newspaper ever for the most scholarly city ever (ie Trenton, NJ, the capital city of the home of ‘Jersey Shore’)”

Are you down to pARTy with the above tranny?

Do you honestly think that pARTying in the middle of the night in Trenton, NJ is a good idea?  (Unless you are a Blood, your answer should probably be ‘no’)

Is “you can’t spell party without ART!” gonna be the new phrase at the frat house?

Is “you can’t spell party without ART!” gonna be the new phrase at the frat haus?

Below is an actual scene from the “pARTy All Night” event:

Below is an actual painting from the “pARTy All Night” event:

Trenton makes, Art takes (a big hit).

It’s been too long since the Museum has recognized the hilarious and out-of-control ridiculous news journalism efforts of The Trentonian.

Note: If the screen on your laptop ever turns black and reads “I can see you, Little Timmy!”, shut it off immediately and run away, far far away.

Also, if anyone has read Page 12, please let us know what they mean by the bottom tag line “Who gets Mommy’s head?”.

Trenton(ian) Makes, the World Takes yet again.

By JOE D’AQUILA
Staff Writer

BRISTOL, Pa. — “Firefighters rescued a woman who drove her car off a pier and into the Delaware River yesterday morning, then spent the rest of the day trying to locate and remove the vehicle from the water.”

—

To spare you every mundane and twisted detail of this Wives Gone Wild ordeal, here are some Hilarious highlights from this Front Page article:

- “Police have not said officially whether the incident was accidental or intentional, but officials on the scene said it appeared the woman had been distraught after a fight with her husband.

Police have not identified the woman, but she was said to be 23 years old.”

- “Firefighters were dispatched to the area on an unrelated fire call and discovered the broken railing and a car floating downriver.” [Ah, the beauty of coincidence. This must’ve been one of those “right place right time, right river right night” kind of ordeals]

- “Once the woman was safe, the next mission for rescuers was to fish her vehicle out of the drink.” [This is a direct quote.  I’m not kidding.  Re-read this sentence over if you haven’t at least 3 times yet]

And finally…

- “The New Jersey State Police Marine Unit sent vessels to direct the heavy traffic of pleasure boaters and jet skiers around the area where divers were working.”

—

The Trentonian article in its entirety can be found here: Woman drives car off pier, through air, and into river

And for more of the ever-evolving exhibit that is That Shit’s Hilarious presents: The Trentonian, explore it further by clicking here.

There could be more than one gator in trenton. ps. bumps in the road kills bikers

Click here for the original artifact of this Gatorific scandal that’s rocking New Jersey’s capitol city.

I’m sorry for another Trentonian article, and yet, am I? Make sure you read up to the part about her reason for drinking and recreational use of painkillers and I say that not to poke fun of this poor woman but to inform you about the journalistic possibilities of tomorrow.

Click to enlarge

TRENTON — When you ask Deborah Witkowski if she was hurt when she was beaten and robbed Sunday night, she doesn’t say a word but motions around her body with both hands.

Without a word, the 56-year-old, partially blind deaf-mute makes you understand the hurt that came when she was punched and attacked from behind as she walked home from Conte’s Saloon on South Clinton Avenue that night.

Debbie is sitting in her pleasant home in Chambersburg. Asked by The Trentonian how we could “interview” her, she wrote on notepaper, “My sister, Nancy Campi,” and put down her telephone number. Nancy understood. She could say. So we called.

“Basically, what she told me is the guy was in the bar, and he left before her,” Nancy Campi said. “She knows him to see. He left, and he must have been waiting.

“She’s a ‘walker’ — she doesn’t drive. He knows that she walks everywhere, so he must have just been waiting for her, to grab her pocketbook and take her money,” the sister said.

“The thing was, she fought him, and in fighting him off, she hurt herself. She got knocked to the ground, she bumped her head, she skinned up her knee. She fought with him. I said, ‘You should have just let him have your pocketbook.’”

But Nancy Campi said Debbie was worried about her Social Security number and her identification and the pictures she had in there that disappeared when the attacker yanked away her purse with $45 in it and ran, leaving the broken woman on the ground.

Debbie is missing an eye, from retina problems, and has been physically challenged since she was a baby — she’s missing half a thumb. But she has a lopsided and big, honest smile, and she likes to socialize in area taverns. Now a criminal has taken the safety of the streets away from her.

That midnight, Nancy was called by Trenton police. She picked up her sister — Debbie was upset — and took her away from the city, down into the relative safety of Burlington County.

“I wanted her to spend the night at my house because I didn’t want her to be home, with somebody else having the keys to the house,” Nancy Campi said. “She doesn’t hear. She wouldn’t have heard if they were coming in. She really doesn’t have anything, but they don’t know that.

“We had to have the locks changed on the house the next day because he has her address and he has her house keys.”

(Area residents around Conte’s and the 1400 to 1700 block of South Clinton and intersecting streets are asked to check trash cans and alleys — look for Debbie’s purse and identification and return it. Be her Good Samaritan.)

By the way, there is an excellent reason why Debbie Witkowski enjoys a drink, but you are not going to read all about that here. The Trentonian is withholding details of an even more horrible crime that Debbie went through 15 years ago.

Nancy believes Debbie should agree to be in assisted living, to be “where there are people around, where if she is in trouble, she could yell and somebody could be there.”

But she enjoys her friends in the taverns, and after all her troubles, can you blame her for having a few painkillers? She uses those people as her friends, and every so often, one uses her.

COMMENTS

The following are comments from the readers. In no way do they represent the view of trentonian.com but probably represent the views of Artifacts of Modernity

where is professional journalism wrote on Aug 20, 2009 1:58 AM:

” what the hell type of wiritng is this, if she was attacked say she was attacked, why on earth would you slam her in the process, and wtf does painkilers have any thing to do with her being mugged, you should have reported that maybe she was attacked because of the economy, maybe that person was just that desparate for 45 dollars to rob an easy target!! “

By JOE D’AQUILA
Staff Writer

Click to enlarge

TRENTON — Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water … you were probably right.

State and local animal officers yesterday hunted what they believed to be a caiman, an out-of-place predator for Trenton’s waters to be sure, but the “maneater” turned out to be, at best, an ankle biter.

The call came about 2:30 p.m. from a pair of fisherman at the pond in the Island neighborhood’s Stacy Park.

A local said one of the fishermen was a friend of his and that the creature was mistaken for a turtle. But when a fishing line was cast in the animal’s direction, its serpentine escape path through the water and flash of alternating light and dark stripes ruled out any of the hard-backed sliders or even snappers in the pond.

They called it in — Alligator! — and they were possibly right, or at least close.

State Fish and Wildlife experts said that from its markings it appeared to be a small caiman, a reptile similar to other crocodile and alligator species. Caimans are frequently sold as a questionable pet choice as small juveniles, and they are often discarded by their owners as they grow in size and become difficult to care for.

Caimans can grow up to about 8 feet in the wild, while some dwarf species sold as pets will only grow to 5 feet.

Upon the initial call, a Trenton police officer and city animal-control officers attempted to capture the beast using a row boat. From that first encounter, and subsequent sightings, the reptile was thought to be about 3 feet long.

The creature went under and avoided the first early attempt, but word of the pond’s strange visitor drew a crowd.

“It’s kind of like our own Loch Ness Monster,” joked one onlooker. “This is kind of cool.”

People lined the banks with cameras and binoculars trying to catch a glimpse of the creature from the deep. From the shore, it did not impress.

Spending much of its time near the surface in the center of the pond, the reptile was difficult to spot and could have passed for a clump of yellowish leaves. Through binoculars, its bony head and eye ridges could be picked out, along with its striped back any time it propelled itself through the murky pond water.

The state animal folks decided to give capturing the beast one more shot, and officers Linda DiPiano and Kim Tinnes boarded a tiny rowboat armed with a large fishing net and a catch pole with a loop on the end more typically used to bring in errant pit bulls.

The reptile was submerged when the women launched the craft, but after a few moments it reappeared off their bow.

As they rowed in its direction, the creature, perhaps startled by the boat, slipped beneath the water.

After 15 or so minutes, the women gave up, and the animal didn’t surface again.

Officials discussed setting traps, which would be floating bottles attached to lines tied to fish hooks.

The hooks would be baited with chicken, in the hope that the little toothy guy would swim in for a snack and come away attached to a float. The officers told neighborhood residents that if they see one of the floats being moved about, then it’s likely that the trap caught something, and they should call animal control.

“We’ll get him,” said Trenton Animal Control Officer Joe Antonello. “We’ll see that he’s caught and taken somewhere to be cared for.”

Officers told residents that the reptile likely wouldn’t leave the comfort of the pond, and that it should pose no threat to anyone.