America’s 4th highest rated news network of the top 4 news networks presents the following genius reporting.

Glad the experts could agree on something…

(Source: johntones)

For one of the most fascinating stories we’ve seen conveyed by local news networks of late, we’d like to throw you another ‘round of cultural wisdom from thedailywhat:

Kids Spit The Darndest Rhymes of the Day: Fox 13 interviews up-and-coming Memphis rapper P-Nut. Oh, did I mention this rapping prodigy is only seven years old?

brb, letting off my rappin’ steam.

Best commentator quote:
“Like any other 7 year old, P-nut likes to have a good time.  But when he’s in the studio recording, it’s all business.”

Here’s to you, P-nut.  May your life be filled with more opportunities and riches than mine for all the wrong reasons.

(Source: thedailywhat)

Well, at least now we know.

According to today’s released ABC News interview with Iranian Superstar Diva President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmy-jaddy (he and the Museum curators are on nickname basis) believes that Notorious Gangster Mastermind Osama bin Laden, you know the guy, has been hiding this whole time in Washington D.C.

Rest assured that he’s in Washington,” Ahmadinejad said. “I think there’s a high chance he’s there.”

Didn’t realize it was still so good to be a friend of George Dubya’s.  Never die, Bush legacy.

Also, damn George Stephanopoulos.  Feelin a little bad for Barbie Walters though, I’m sure she would’ve been down for a Mahmy-jaddy chillfest.

Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly and Sarah Palin discuss the cruelty of how ‘Family Guy’ satirized her family by making fun of Trig, her baby with Down’s syndrome.

Please pay particular attention at 2:10, as O’Reilly shows a photo on screen of Family Guy creator Chris MacFarlane and then says the following:

“This guy MacFarlane who did this, is a hater. Makes a lot of money for Fox, but I think there should be some standards sometimes, but apparently there aren’t.”

*Hits head repeatedly until it turns into a terrible bruise*

Artifacts of Modernity presents a new Museum feature called ‘F*** Yeah Catholicism Coverups!’, where we take a look at the growing scandals surrounding molestation charges against many a Catholic Priest.

Today we go to a recent ‘Larry King Live’ where the President of the Catholic League William Donohue informs us that the answer to solving this problem has been to make it harder for gays to enter Priesthood because, in reality, there was hardly any pedophilia going on to begin with, just lots of acts of homosexuality, because, in reality, any sexual act committed against ‘post-pubescents’ is no longer pedophilia, because, in reality, molesting a 12 year old boy is not really pedophilia.

Righhhhhhhht.

(via yeahiwasintheshit)

America’s lowest ranked news source has more:

Washington (CNN) — A Pennsylvania woman has been indicted for conspiracy to provide material support to terrorists and kill a person in a foreign country, the Justice Department announced Tuesday.

Colleen LaRose, known as “Jihad Jane” and “Fatima LaRose,” has also been charged with making false statements to a government official and attempted identity theft…

LaRose and five unindicted co-conspirators recruited men on the Internet “to wage violent jihad in South Asia and Europe, and recruited women on the Internet who had passports and the ability to travel to and around Europe in support of violent jihad,” according to a Justice Department statement.

If convicted, LaRose faces a possible life prison sentence and a $1 million fine, the statement said.

The conspiracy began in June 2008, when LaRose posted a comment on YouTube under the username JihadJane saying she is “desperate to do something somehow to help” Muslims, according to the indictment unsealed Tuesday.

From December 2008 to October 2009, LaRose engaged in electronic communication with the five co-conspirators about their shared desires to wage jihad and become martyrs, according to the indictment…

According to a U.S. government official familiar with the case, LaRose was successful in recruiting some people to join the cause. She also was able to raise money, the official said, adding that she was in contact with committed jihadists in South Asia, Western Europe and Eastern Europe. The official declined to link her to any specific terrorist organizations.

La Rose, the indictment claims, stole a U.S. passport at one point in order to “facilitate an act of international terrorism.”

She received “a direct order to kill a citizen and resident of Sweden, and to do so in a way that would frighten ‘the whole Kufar [non-believer] world.’ “

“I will make this my goal till I achieve it or die trying,” LaRose said via electronic communication, according to the indictment.

LaRose, along with the co-conspirators, believed that “her appearance and American citizenship would help her blend in while carrying out her plans, calling it a possible “way to achieve what is in my heart,” according to the indictment.

The indictment alleges that LaRose even agreed to marry one of the co-conspirators to obtain residency status in a European country.

LaRose traveled to Europe in August and “tracked the intended target online in an effort to complete her task,” the statement said.

According to the indictment, LaRose told the co-conspirator who ordered the murder that she considers it an “honour & a great pleasure to die or kill for” the co-conspirator and pledged that “only death will stop me here that I am so close to the target.”

The killing did not occur, and LaRose was arrested about two weeks after the electronic message was sent.

Well it’s about time we see Fox News being a total douchebag to its own GOP party-followers.  Take that, J.D. Hayworth!  Love when Fox News uses the term “Congresswoman” to diss people / Love when Fox News reinforces that women are inferior.

John McCain must be laughing his ass off right now (as Hayworth has just announced that he plans on running against McCain in the Republican primary for his Arizona Senate seat).  Unless McCain himself planned and/or paid for this to happen (wouldn’t put it past em).

P.S. Do yourself the favor of getting to know this Hayworth fella… he’s quite the prick/intolerant idiot himself.  And knowing the American political system in the post-Palin world, he should have a name for himself quite soon.

Don’t think you won’t get caught if you are too ugly/fat for this dating site.

A dating site called BeautifulPeople.com has cut about 5,000 of its members for “packing on the pounds during the holiday season”.  America’s 4th ranked news source CNN has more:

(CNN) — The international site BeautifulPeople.com threw out members after they posted photos “revealing that they have let themselves go,” according to a company statement.

“As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld,” said Robert Hintze, founder of BeautifulPeople.com. “Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.”

The site describes itself as an “elite online club, where every member works the door” — that is, users can join only after enough members vote them “beautiful” during the 48 hours after their profile is uploaded.

And apparently, enough beautiful people were angry that some members had enjoyed a bit too many treats during the holiday season.

So BeautifulPeople.com sent those flagged members e-mails, according to the company statement, telling them they could register again for the site when the extra pudge was gone.

“We responded to complaints by moving the newly chubby members back to the rating stage. This is the same as having them re-apply,” Greg Hodge, managing director of BeautifulPeople.com, said in a statement.

The company said it “expelled” 1,520 users from the U.S., 832 from the U.K., 533 from Canada, 510 from Poland, 425 from Germany, 402 from Italy, 323 from France, 220 from Denmark, 176 from Turkey and 88 people from Russia. In the e-mail, it gave users suggestions for boot camps and workout facilities to get themselves back in shape.

Some gave the site a shot again, hoping fellow users might not see them as the “fatties” others had.

“Their re-applications were reviewed by existing members, and only a few hundred were voted back in. Over 5,000 were rejected,” Hodge added.

Hodge admits, and has admitted from the time his company started, that his site may not be fair, but people want to date someone they are attracted to.

“Is it elitist? Yes, it is, because our members want it to be,” Hodge said when the company started out in 2005. “Is it lookist? Yes, it is, because our members want it to be. Is it PC? No, it’s not, but it’s honest.”

And on this site, beauty is certainly in the eye of the beholder; only one in five applicants is normally accepted, a company statement said.

Maintaining those standards is what the site is about, Hodge said, and that’s why people were expelled.

“Every year we see that some of our members from Western cultures eat and drink to excess over the holidays, and clearly their looks suffer,” he said in a statement. “The U.S.A. has been grossly over-indulging since Thanksgiving. It’s no wonder that so many members have been expelled from the network. We hope they will be back after shedding the festive pounds.”

Facebook Fugitive Craig Lynch Updates Facebook Status While British Cops Search in Vain

NEW YORK (CBS) British police can’t find escaped convict Craig Lynch, but search for him on Facebook and you’ll see that he has nearly 4,000 fans and an info box that says “Life is what you make it, live fast, die young!!!”

Lynch seems intent on doing just that. 

Back in September, the 28-year-old Facebook-friendly convict escaped the Hollesey Bay Prison, located in Suffolk, about 100 miles north of London. 

Though police can’t seem to figure out where he is, his Facebook friends get constant updates with Lynch describing everything from what he ate for dinner to who his first sexual conquest of 2010 will be, according to CNN. 

“mmm i just had a 12lb venison steak. Roasted veg and chips, bangin meal. I feel stuffed but still got room for the j.d’s . Hope you enjoyed the meal babe’s. We’ll have to eat here again,” Lynch wrote on his wall, CNN reported. 

The network says Lynch also wrote “Is thinkin, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!.” 

“We have spoken to Facebook and we are trying to trace him from the information we have,” Suffolk police spokesperson Anne-Marie Breach told CNN. “We’re also asking for help from members of the public.” 

Lynch was serving a seven-year prison term for aggravated burglary before his escape, according to the cable news network. 

“Obviously we’re taking what he’s saying on Facebook with a pinch of salt because he’s now aware that people may be reading what he’s writing,” Breach told CNN. 

Regardless, his nearly 4,000 fans are cheering him on. 

“Lol great job man, good luck from france,” reads a fan’s recent comment. 

Lynch’s most recent posting reads “nearly made it to christmas. merry christmas to the supporters x.” 

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is it cool for this convict to use Facebook? Or should the social networking giant intervene?

The Museum continues its exploration of thought-provoking menage-a-trois after this week’s earlier discussion of Lindsay Lohan’s Muse magazine nude photo shoot.

This time, however, we’re shedding light on a different threesome that’s been grabbing scandalous media attention all over the place.  (Just saw this on Fox News, I swear)  It’s happening in the great state of Georgia (that can never be good, right?) and its oddly reminiscent of a popularly repeated line from a classic 1939 film.

Today’s Menage-a-trois of the Day is the unlikely “friendship” of a lion, a tiger, and a bear (oh my).

The trio started getting cozy at an animal rehabilitation center in Locust Grove, Georgia.  Apparently the three have been buddies since cubhood.

The trio includes Leo the Lion, Baloo the Bear, and Shere Kahn the Tiger… I dare the Noah’s Arc Rehabilitation Center to get any more unoriginal than that in their animal naming policies.

We’re happy and somewhat surprised to report that this feel-good hippie dippie “come on people now smile on your brother everybody get together try to love one another right now” is getting a lot of press coverage, especially on Fox News.  Weird.  I can’t imagine why…

Oh my gosh how random!  We seemed to have just stumbled on a statistic that shows that of all the top news networks, Fox News is devoting the least amount of time to the United Nations’ Global Warming Summit that’s currently underway in Copenhagen.

Three cheers for feel-good filler content!

Three cheers for threesomes taking a more prominent role in everyday culture!

Three cheers for Leo, Baloo, Shere Kahn and Lindsay!

As the great poet laureate Ms. Spears recently sang, “One two three / not only you and me / got 180 degrees and I’m caught in between countin”